I fully admit (and comfortable with the fact) that I have spent more time in my life leaving comments on internet sites than I have spent engaging in meaningful one-on-one time with loved ones.

But even so, for the life of me, I will never understand the impulse to get on a company’s Facebook page and vent The Crazy.

If You Ever Need To Reaffirm Your Belief in Humanity, Visit the JC Penney Facebook Page Every Now and ThenS

Mr. JC Penney. Seems like a fun dude.

Right now, my favorite place on Earth to be is the new Facebook page for JCPenney—or JCP—whatever. The changes to JCP—JACQUES ZE PENNAE—have caused more furor and outrage among the American populace than the entire Civil War did. I have never seen so many people get so angry due to a lack of elastic-band slacks and floral nightgowns.

If I’m at work and I’m ever like “Oh hey, my life has lost all meaning; I want to get off this crazy roller coaster,” I’ll just jump on the JCP page and it only takes like 10 seconds for me to utterly re-affirm why I am a rainbow star in the middle of a Lisa Frank dolphin-encrusted beam of sunshine shining out of a unicorn's ass.

There’s this:

JcPenny is disgusting. Can't wait till u FAIL! Lmfao

LULZ BANKRUPTCY

This:

You sent me a coupon. I drove to your store to use it on the last day of the coupon's validity. The store was closed! (Easter) I phoned your customer service line. Your employee lectured me! ("You waited until the last day?") My mouth dropped open from shock! But then she said she'd send me another coupon. I still haven't received it! If the coupon says "March 18-31," you're saying I can use it March 31. I tried to but couldn't.

Yes, how dare your store not be open at the mall on EASTER! You bastards!

And this:

A limited selection is available on line if you are able to find your size and color. Things like weekend suits, coats, dresses, blazers are no longer available.

WAIT—What the hell is a “weekend suit”? Is this a real thing? How does that work? “Oh this looks like something nice to wear—wait, no. I can’t wear this. It’s only Tuesday. Fuck.”

I agree, this is very, very sad:

It's sad. Now I hear They will be getting Furniture soon, OMG, With the way There Clothing looks, It tells me that The Furniture will be No good too

This poor woman is very lost:

When I go shopping I just want to go where what style clothing I'm shopping for is, not goo to 3 or 4 different departments because it's separated by brand and I'm looking for a shirt or jeans!

The store is literally one giant open fucking space. How can you get this confused in a department store? I mean. I just do not understand what is so hard about this. WHERE IS SHE SHOPPING? IS THIS JC PENNEY IN THE MATRIX???

Sure, because clothing has a sexual preference. Why not:

I know all the new clothes for men do not seem to be heterosexual. It's disgusting, the colors and everything.

Thanks, Obama!

...It's not just JCPenney it's Macy's, Walmart and every other retailer in America..No wonder we are so far in dept, this is pathetic and I'm going to be going nuder soon if these retailers don't wise up!!!!!!!

Where’s the dismiss button when you really need it:

Just want to reaffirm that I have not purchased a thing from JCP ever since they endorsed Ellen DeGeneres. I to do this until the end of time it takes. I had credit cards with them and bought a huge amount of merchandise from them. Not now!! I am done with them and will be until they change her as a spokesperson for them.

SHE HAD CREDIT CARDS, JC PENNEY! BUT THEN TEH GAYZ TOOK THEM AWAY.

?????????:

Hey... I wonder where the chiken laid that egg? Oh I remember; that rabbit took it. Oh well, is true what they say: TRICKS ARE FOR US!

The Best Comment In The History Of All Time

Gorgeous! But I suppose a large part of the American population won't like it because it doesn't have Big Gulp holders and NASCAR embroidered on the sides.

Lastly, this most epic of statements that adequately sums up the human struggle:

I can't wait till I can wear human shoes.

Anyway, from one human-shoe wearing soul to all the others, here’s to hoping JCP survives all this and we never, ever have to see that guy go full “nuder.”