How to Avoid Reality TV Stereotypes in Actual RealityS

If reality TV has taught us one thing, it’s that there is always someone on the show who “didn’t come here to make friends,” and that we will inevitably love to hate them.

While their situations and confessionals may be scripted, they themselves—someone batshit insane enough to take part in a reality TV show—are actual people who exist in real life. But in real life, we don’t love to hate them. We actually just hate them.

Fortunately for us, there are some verbal cues out there that can serve as red flags in identifying these people so that you can stay far, far away.

“People either love me or hate me.”

Well, that’s probably half right, but hey! You may be an unbearable jerk, but at least you’re remaining positive.

“I’m just being honest/telling it like it is”/ “I don’t sugarcoat.”

No. You’re not. You refuse to acknowledge that there is any possible truth beyond your opinion. You’re not being honest. You’re being narrow-minded and an asshole. Maybe you should sugarcoat. (A great philosopher once said that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. I can’t remember who she was at the moment, but I do know she was practically perfect in every way.) You know another word for sugarcoating? Tact.

“I’m not a racist but…”

…this person is 100% a racist.

“I am the most loyal friend you could ever ask for.”

This is a tricky one, because it seems like ‘Okay. Their friends mean a lot to them.’ False. This basically translates as “I alienate people because I am a huge dickface, but I have zero self-awareness and do not recognize my terrible behavior. When people stop wanting to be friends with me, I will consider it a massive betrayal and make their life hell thereafter. My Facebook status will be a running barrage of ambiguous threats and insults. I will orchestrate snubs towards them every time we are out in public in the same general space. I will say terrible things about them to everyone we know. I will Fuck. Their. Shit. Up.”

“Why do you use such big words? Just say ——!”

Okay. There is such a thing as being a pretentious douchebag. That cannot be overstated. However, when people routinely belittle you for using vocabulary that differentiates you from a mediocre 7th grader, those people are insecure, intellectually incurious underminers. Rather than learn something, they would rather you stop doing something that reminds them there’s something they don’t know.

“I hate drama.”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*INHALE*haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Okay. You hate drama. But for some totally crazy reason in no way related to your crazy ass, crazy bitches just dump their drama on you all the time. It’s like you live in a drama car wash, with drama water and drama soap suds and big twirly drama brushes and hanging drama rags just soak and lather you in drama. Am I right? Anyone saying “I hate drama” because they’re constantly involved in drama is like Quentin Tarantino rolling his eyes and tsk-tsking over-the-top violence in movies.

“Respect.”

If you hear any extended or repeated conversation about the importance of this person being respected, the sin of disrespecting this person, a warning not to disrespect respect this person, a promise that they will respect you if you respect them (that’s a lie, by the way) etc, just run. Because these people are like modern day Neros and you will inevitably be burned to the ground while these motherfuckers fiddle in the ashes. To these people, everyone is an enemy, everyone is out to get them, every little bat of an eyelash is some thinly veiled gesture meant to humiliate them and they do not abide humiliation. These are also most likely the most disrespectful people you will ever come across. So seriously, fly you fools!

Which ones did I forget?