Game of Mad Men: A ReviewS

Like so many of you, I face a terrible dilemma every Sunday night at 9 p.m.: which am I going to watch first, Game of Thrones or Mad Men? Yes we have come a long way from days of yore, when I’d have had to set up a VCR in another room and pray to God I’d done it correctly, but damnit! I refuse to be contented with having to watch one of my beloved stories an hour after everyone else like some kind of peasant. As such, last night I decided to put two TVs next to each other and watch both shows in real time. It was magical. And so I will review them as I watched them—together. Hopefully I don’t get them too mixed up.

Game of Thrones

I believe last night’s episode was called Night of a Thousand Whores, which is probably some book reference I’m missing. There were a lot of whores, though. A lot of whores. So maybe it was literal? As per usual, the episode took place across Westeros and beyond the Narrow Sea—Riverrun, Astapor, a swanky Italian restaurant, and beyond the Wall in Greenwich, Connecticut. The ability to juggle all these plots really speaks to the genius of George R.R. Weiner.

We start with Catelyn Stark and Ken Cosgrove at Lord Hoster Cooper’s funeral at Riverrun. Cat’s brother, Edmure, stupidly can’t aim an arrow for shit and keeps missing the old man’s funeral pyre. Annoyed, Cat’s badass uncle, the Blackfish, snatches it and hits his target with one try. The Blackfish. So badass. Then Ken Cosgrove yells at Edmure for losing the Heinz account from the Mountain. Then Cat cries over something. Her weird marriage with Henry Francis maybe? Yeah, that sounds right. Also, Megan gives some Lannister kids stitches. (I guess she went to nursing school between seasons?)

So then we go to King’s Landing, where Tyrion is awesome and Tywin Lannister is scary. Mayor Carcetti’s accent is getting weirder. Betty Draper is there too, looking icy as ever. (Her hair is blonde again, thank God. )Tywin makes Tyrion the Master of Coin (the position has been open since Lane Price killed himself), which Tyrion isn’t super thrilled about. But then he buys his squire, that creepy kid who used to live next store to Sally Draper, a bunch of whores from Carcetti’s whorehouse and the creepy kid goes to town on them, apparently.

Joan and Roger—who has dyed his hair from grey, I guess—have a moment on a beach. (Maybe the Hamptons?) He’s all “Make me another son!” and Joan is all “One is enough, Roger Sterling!” (This is significant, since they haven’t talked about the fact that the baby is his since before he was born!) Then she goes on a boat, but she’ll be back, because she has loyalty to the firm.

North of the Wall, Jon Snow and Peggy Olsen see a lot of dead horses. Mance Rayder decides that now is the time to attack the Wall. At Craster’s Keep, the remaining men of the Night’s Watch have taken shelter for the night. Harry stumbles across Don’s pregnant aunt giving birth in a shed—she has a boy, which means the poor little thing is going to be eaten by The Walking Dead zombies.

At an inn, Hot Pie makes Sally Draper wolf bread before she rides a horse.

Oh! And then Theon Greyjoy is released from his torture cell by Pete Campbell. As Theon escapes, he is chased by some dudes shooting arrows at him, but Pete dispatches them before Theon is raped. (Which was legit terrifying.)

In Astapor, Daenerys Targaryen has decided that she is going to buy 8,000 Jaguars after she heard an ad on the radio. The dealer, Herb, is really sleazy, and tells her she couldn’t possibly afford them. In return, she agrees to let him sleep with one of her dragons. Sers Jorah and Barristan are sort of flabbergasted by this, and so are we.

And now we get to my favorite plot line of the episode, which is Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth. Last episode, they were kidnapped by Stan Rizzo. Jaime tells Brienne she is going to be raped and that she should probably shouldn’t be a bitch about it. Jaime is a total dick, but he does, in fact, save Brienne from the predicted gang rape by convincing Stan that her father-in-law controls advertising for Clearasil, which would be a huge account. Then he says that his father heads up Lucky Strike. Stan seems cool about it at first, and then he’s like “Cigarettes kill people!” and he gets so mad that he cuts off Jaime’s hand.

Then there was a weird punk rock rendition of The Bear and the Maiden Fair.

Mad Men

I believe this episode was also called Night of 1,000 Whores, because we start in another brothel. This one is run by Varys. Young Don Draper and Gilly walk in and Don’s all “ZOMG! BOOBIES!” Varys is a creeper and tells little Don that his house's sigil is a rooster.

Cut to modern day Don, who is having an affair with his Italian neighbor Margery Tyrell. He gives her money after they bang, which is creepy, but you know what they say: “A Draper Always Pays His Debts.”

Megan Draper, meanwhile, is doing laundry when she fires Hodor, her maid. Margery comes in half-way through the awkward exchange and then Megan starts crying. Upstairs, Megan tearfully admits that she lost Arya Stark and doesn’t know where she is, and that for all she knows one of the Walking Dead zombies ate her. Margery, who is super Catholic, ironically has a real problem with zombies, and gets all judge-y.

So then there’s Joffrey Lannister, who is married to Annie from Community. Joffrey lives in Greenwich, but has an apartment in New York where he bangs a lot of women, including his neighbor. The neighbor winds up getting severely beaten by her husband. Annie helps her, and so does Joffrey, begrudgingly. The neighbor, with her face split open is all “Let’s make a shadow baby, Joffrey!” and he’s all “No! I’m Joffrey. I’m the worst! BLAH!” Then Annie says “You’re a dick, Joffrey. I hate you and I’m awesome. Go take the black—you’re not allowed back here until I say so.”

Meanwhile, at her new agency, Sansa Stark is kicking ass and taking names, but no one likes her, because she’s indirectly responsible for Ned’s head getting chopped off. (To be fair: I’m really still not over that either, so I get it.) Her secretary Missandei encourages her to encourage her team like Sansa encourages the secretary, but when she tries, her team—Gendry, the Hound, and Dolorous Ed—just give her some feminine hygiene product. Lame. Upon learning that the Greyjoys are looking to rebel, Sansa’s boss tells her to put together a battle plan that will defeat awesome pirate queen Yara Greyjoy. Sansa is torn between her ambition at her new job, and her lingering loyalty for Yara, who of course works at Sterling Cooper Draper Price.

So I think that’s it! Great episodes, you guys!

[Awesome image first appeared on the ever-awesome Vulture.com.]