Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" EditionS

I'm watching the season finale right now on Hulu, but last night I had the idea that it would be one of the hardest FMK's ever because pretty much everyone on this show seems like a good option for fuck, a horrible option for marry, and an impossible option for kill.

Let's break it down into two groups. Today, the men. Tomorrow, the women. So put your white hats on, take your black panties off, and die your morals grey- let's get started! Of course, Spoiler alerts below.

Shout outs to the men who didn't make this list, as classification was too easy/I got bored and didn't feel like writing anymore: James (Fuck), Edison (Marry), The sweet-tooth assassin (Kill, but give him a doughnut first)

David Rosen

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" EditionS

The case for fuck: Well, he's got to have something to keep Abby coming back to him again and again. He also seems like he'd be a tender lover. A bit passive, a bit vanilla in the sack, but equally ok being bottom or top. Perfect for those of us who have had ENOUGH drama in our lives and want to come home to our regularly scheduled shag, followed by the CBS evening news and some leftover risotto.

The case for marry: He's the most moral character in the show, which isn't saying much but counts for a lot. He's (SPOILER ALERT) got his job back now, so at least he won't be sleeping on his or your rival's couch anymore, cursing the day he met them. You'd also have Brenda Song hanging out with you all the time, so that could be fun?

The case for kill: For some reason the most moral characters in this show tend to be the most annoying ones. Make a mistake? Choose your job over his? Break one teensy-weensy rule? He'll nag you about it for the rest of your natural born life, even though he'll certainly never turn down your attempts to get him in the sack. He's also pretty damn boring and self-righteous.

Verdict: Marry. Only because killing the most moral dude in the show would bring karma upon your head so fast...plus, Olivia wouldn't like it.

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Cyrus Bean

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" EditionS

The case for fuck: See the David Rosen case. He's gotta have something going on down there for James to put up with all his shit. Plus you could probably have great angry sex and/or makeup sex, as that is probably the entirety of your relationship.

The case for marry:....Cyrus is a lousy husband. Verbally abusive, distant, manipulative. Sure he'll buy you whatever fancy suit or third-world baby you want, but it comes at the steep price of staying out of his way, never challenging him, and accepting that he'll probably die of heart attack due to chasing after the true love of his life: power. But he'll never actually kill you, no matter how close he comes to doing it. And after dealing with the fallout of Olitz with all day, I highly doubt he'll ever cheat on you.

The case for kill: He's a power-hungry, amoral, rageaholic. If you get in his boss's way he will probably have you murdered, politically or otherwise.

Verdict: Fuck. Just to see what James sees in that guy (aside from the money and power). He'd better be one hell of a power-bottom. Plus, if you killed him I bet the universe would come incredibly unhinged. All light (grey) needs dark (grey), right?!

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Harrison Wright

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" EditionS

The case for fuck: This tall glass of chocolate milk is a silver tongued gladiator at work- I imagine he'd also be a silver tongued gladiator in the bedroom. Work that sword, baby!

The case for marry: He's a really good listener, a brilliant mind, a snazzy dresser, and once you've got Harrison's loyalty you've got it. This is one loyal-ass dude, and he will go ride-or-die for you. Unless, of course, Olivia asks for something conflicting because then you're up a creek (but he's really sorry about it!).

The case for kill: Beyond his almost-incarceration, no one except Olivia knows his backstory, and it could be ten-times worse than everyone else's put together. He also has been known to flirt with the ladies or betray them at the behest of his boss.

Verdict: Fuck. Alllllll night long.

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Captain/Agent Jake Ballard

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" EditionS

The case for fuck: He will fuck you so good you'll almost forget your ex boyfriend ever existed. And then surreptitiously record it so you two (or rather, he and his boss) can enjoy the steamy memories.

The case for marry: He's super duper loyal, and is relatively good at being loyal to multiple people- so even if he ever does decide to cheat on you it'll be for a really good reason and you'll probably never find out. He will also save your life even if it means he spends eternity in a dark cell. That's above-and-beyond.

The case for kill: He's kinda pushy. Also he'll stalk a woman at the behest of his boss and then kinda-sorta-mostly give her up when his boss decides he wants her back. Most ladiez want alpha males, and that's a total beta move (JKJK PUA's suck). Also, he looks like he's got allergies because his eyes are always slightly red and watery. I had an ex who forgot to take his allergy meds and snotted all over me one day while we were kissing, and it was a big turn-off.

Verdict: Well, seeing as he's trapped in a hole right now the first two options are impossible. The third just seems cruel. Is there a "release him from the hole and buy him some zyrtec" option we can pursue first? Someone get Olivia on that.

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President Fitzgerald Grant

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" EditionS

The case for fuck: He's fit, he's virile, and he's the leader of the free fucking world! Plus, he calls cunnilingus his superpower, and will fuck you fierce-but-tender all over the white house, in the woods, in the shower, in the car, up against the mini bar. He will fuck you in a house, he will double-click that mouse. He will fuck you in a hat, he will fuck your pussy-cat. All while his secret service stands by (he's assuming you like that kinda thing).

The case for marry: It really depends on who you are. Are you Olivia Pope? Then it'll (probably) be great! He'll be affectionate, listen to your problems, fuck you silly, and ask for your advice because he sincerely values your opinion. This man will move mountains for you because he loves you and wants to be with you forever.

If you're the person he's currently married to, i.e. not Olivia Pope? It's gonna suck because he'll hate you. But at least if you keep your mouth shut (you frigid harpy!) he'll support your political campaign in a few years.

The case for kill: He's a whiny, arrogant, fussy man-baby with no redeeming qualities aside from a charming smile and nice abs. He'll kill an old woman with his bare hands and then decide to punish you for it because you're not his perfect lover. He's verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative, and will find a way to keep you in his control either by threats, pleas, stalking, or any other use of his of his executive powers. If you're his mistress and you displease him he'll call you a whore and throw you aside (yet disallow you from dating anyone else, stalk you, and expect you to have sex with him when he feels like it). If you're his wife you automatically displease him- any good faith actions on your part are suspect and any nasty actions are you expressing your true self. You're kinda a glorified whore to him...or property, you decide... He's also a pretty sucky president who can't even wipe the cum off his own cock without the help of Cyrus Bean.

Verdict: I'll probably get flamed for this, but kill. I know my girl Olivia would hate it, but it's probably best for everyone if someone took him out and framed Sally Langston for it in the process. Because I really don't care how good that dick is- if it comes with a side of misery that big it just ain't worth it.

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And last but not least, Huck

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" EditionS

The case for fuck: He's got that whole "bad boy with a troubled past" thing down to a t. A capital T. for Tortured as a suspected Terrorist. That's hot, right?! Plus he seems like he's into some pretty kinky shit.

The case for marry: Back when he was a regular ol' armed forces Joe, Huck seemed like the perfect family man. He was devoted, intelligent, had a great sense of humor, and he really cared about his wife and unborn child. Now that he's a free man he's putting all that passion into helping others. He hardly ever tortures other people anymore. And you can tell he's still a family man because he watches one through the window every evening.

The case for kill: You don't kill Huck. Huck kills you.

Verdict: Can we just shake hands, go our separate merry ways, and never speak of any of this ever again? Because I'd rather not get suspiciously murdered or disappeared, kthanxbi!!!

Fuck, Marry, Kill: The men of "Scandal" Edition