We're a couple of years from another presidential election, but it's always political season in the U.S. Midterm primaries are coming and so is summer, so let's get things heated up by counting down the 44 hottest male presidents this great nation has had to offer. Do we like their politics? Who cares, when we can judge their value based on their adherence to a media-driven social standards for attractiveness? We're not pundits, bro! Now, without further ado, let's count down The 44 HOTTEST Male Presidents in U.S. History!
44. John Adams
Order: 2nd (1797-1801)
Pros: To be honest, there's not much. Dresses well?
Cons: Everything else.
43. Millard Fillmore
Order: 13 (1850-1853)
Pros: He's the schlub you meet up with for a quick bang when you're feeling down, because he's always available and he gives it his all.
Cons: Not a take-charge kind of guy; even his friends don't want him around.
42. Chester A. Arthur
Order: 21st (1881-1885)
Pros: No duty will be neglected.
Cons: No adventurous project. Also, those sideburns.
41. Benjamin Harrison
Order: 23rd (1889-1893)
Pros: Great rebound after you dump that lunkhead.
Cons: That lunkhead is just so damn appealing.
40. John Quincy Adams
Order: 6th (1825-1829)
Pros: Will try the weird stuff - the first president to be photographed.
Cons: Vain - it was a selfie. Plus, the sideburns.
39. Martin Van Buren
Order: 8th (1837-1841)
Pros: Eyes and experience.
Cons: More fucking sideburns - and what sideburns they are.
38. Andrew Johnson
Order: 17th (1865-1869)
Party: National Union
Pros: Can step in when the last guy finishes with an early shot.
Cons: Embarrasses you in front of your friends and all the senators.
37. Lyndon Johnson
Order: 36th (1963-1969)
Pros: Huge dick.
Cons: Huge dick.
36. Zachary Taylor
Order: 12th (1849-1850)
Pros: They didn't call him "Old Rough and Ready" for no reason.
Cons: Inexperienced and doesn't last very long.
35. Abraham Lincoln
Order: 16th (1861-1865)
Pros: Delivered the nation out of a costly and brutal civil war, ending slavery and preserving the Union.
Cons: Not good-looking.
34. Richard Nixon
Order: 37th (1969-1974)
Pros: You in some trouble? Nixon won't dime you out.
Cons: Will steal all your shit. Also really sweaty.
33. Harry Truman
Order: 33rd (1945-1953)
Pros: Those little glasses really might do it for you.
Cons: Always fighting with someone. Also killed hundreds of thousands of people with an atomic bomb.
32. John Tyler
Order: 10th (1841-1845)
Pros: Probably rocking an awesome bod under those stuffy duds.
Cons: He's really only around because the guy you really liked bailed and it's the end of the night.
31. Herbert Hoover
Order: 31st (1929-1933)
Pros: The honeymoon period is going to be amazing.
Cons: That last guy you date before you finally get your shit together. Also, a little chunky.
30. Dwight Eisenhower
Order: 34th (1953-1961)
Pros: Military man.
Cons: Lost the space race to the Soviets; also kind of looks like an alien.
29. Thomas Jefferson
Order: 3rd (1801-1809)
Pros: Wrote the Declaration of Independence, strong chin, probably has a bunch of two-dollar bills.
Cons: Bad with money. Thinning hair; also a rapist.
28. Theodore Roosevelt
Order: 26th (1901-1909)
Pros: Will explore EVERYWHERE.
Cons: Rough rider.
27. Grover Cleveland
Order: 22nd (1885-1889)
Pros: Honest, courageous, firm, independent, and of common sense.
Cons: A little thick.
26. Grover Cleveland
Order: 24th (1893-1897)
Pros: You tried it with that other guy, but you can't resist the pull of the Grovester.
Cons: Still a little thick.
25. Franklin Roosevelt
Order: 32nd (1933-1945)
Pros: The New Deal, looks badass with a cigarette holder.
Cons: After three times, you just want the guy to finish up and go home. Dude can't take a hint.
24. James Polk
Order: 11th (1845-1849)
Pros: Attractive, confident; subject of a They Might Be Giants song.
23. George Washington
Order: 1st (1789-1797)
Party: None - MAVERICK.
Pros: Father of our nation; that business with Valley Forge and the Potomac River.
Cons: Bad teeth; refused a third term (lacks ambition).
22. William Henry Harrison
Order: 9th (1841-1841)
Pros: Piercing eyes; too cool to stay president.
Cons: Lasts less time than anyone else.
21. George W. Bush
Order: 43rd (2001-2009)
Pros: Gregarious; friendly; all your guy friends want to have a beer with him.
Cons: Doesn't wear condoms; when he "accidentally" puts it in the wrong place, it's an actual accident because he has no idea how things work down there.
20. Calvin Coolidge
Order: 30th (1923-1929)
Pros: Decisive; looks great in a suit.
Cons: Doesn't talk; kind of a weirdo.
19. George H.W. Bush
Order: 41st (1989-1993)
Pros: Our most adorable president.
Cons: If you get pregnant, you end up with W.
18. Woodrow Wilson
Order: 28th (1913-1921)
Pros: That button-down look is hiding a tiger in the sack; if he needs money, he'll just create the federal reserve.
Cons: Bad teeth and virulent racism, a combination that rarely surprises.
17. William McKinley
Order: 25th (1897-1901)
Pros: That's one hell of a knowing look.
Cons: Always wants to hang out on the front porch.
16. James Buchanan
Order: 15th (1857-1861)
Pros: Cuts a dapper, Lord Grantham-like figure.
Cons: The confirmed bachelor is a confirmed pushover.
15. Ronald Reagan
Order: 40th (1981-1989)
Pros: Movie-star looks, landslide victories, oversized charisma.
Cons: Really, really old. Gross.
14. William Taft
Order: 27th (1909-1913)
Pros: President, Chief Justice, and a little extra in all the right places.
Cons: Snores crazy loud.
13. Jimmy Carter
Order: 39th (1977-1981)
Pros: Gets all sweaty building a house, but still has the motor running.
Cons: Breath smells like peanuts.
12. James Madison
Order: 4th (1809-1817)
Pros: Father of the Bill of Rights, author of the Federalist Papers, Congressman, Secretary of State, President.
Cons: Short (5'4"); counted slaves as 3/5 of a person, is physically 3/5 of a person.
11. Andrew Jackson
Order: 7th (1829-1837)
Pros: Legitimate badass; appeals to the common man.
Cons: As long as the common man is a man. And white. And he will systematically murder everyone who looks like you if you're not. Also, those eyebrows.
10. Warren Harding
Order: 29th (1921-1923)
Pros: Looks like Mr. Carson, if you're into that sort of thing.
Cons: Looks like Mr. Carson, if you're not into that sort of thing.
9. James Monroe
Order: 5th (1817-1825)
Pros: The last one to wear a powdered wig, tricorne and knee breeches - a man that knows the classic look is always in.
Cons: Probably a hipster.
8. Bill Clinton
Order: 42nd (1993-2001)
Pros: The man could talk his way into Bill Donohue's bed. Probably has.
Cons: Probably hitting on your roommate right now.
7. James Garfield
Order: 20th (1881-1881)
Pros: Jesus, those eyes.
Cons: Yells at you if you try to pay with cash.
6. Gerald Ford
Order: 38th (1974-1977)
Pros: Swagger, athleticism, beautiful blue eyes - Ford's got it all.
Cons: Always your second choice.
5. Ulysses S. Grant
Order: 18th (1869-1877)
Pros: Rocked a beard like no president before or after.
Cons: Whiskey dick.
4. John F. Kennedy
Order: 35th (1961-1963)
Pros: The man could talk his way into Bill Clinton's bed. Probably has.
Cons: (tasteless assassination joke - I'm not a monster)
3. Rutherford B. Hayes
Order: 19th (1877-1881)
Pros: Mmm, that B must stand for BABE. Can't argue with any of that. Like Drew Brees without that thing on his face.
Cons: Probably a cheater.
2. Barack Obama
Order: 44th (2009-present)
Pros: There's not much to take issue with here. Gorgeous smile, great dad, carries himself with grace and cool, President Obama is seriously hot. Is there anything keeping this guy from being the sexiest male president of all time?
Cons: Mom jeans.
1. Franklin Pierce
Order: 14th (1853-1857)
Pros: Gorgeous, charming, polite, thoughtful, popular...Franklin Pierce is the kind of boy you can take home to mom and then take home to bed.
Cons: Something about inexorably driving the nation toward civil war or something. I'm no political expert. He's inexorably driving the nation toward sexytimes.
So there you have it. 44 presidents, ranked and filed by the only reasonable criteria by which to judge men: their suitability as sexual partners. Agree? Disagree? Tell us what president makes you want to have a party in your pants.
Joshua David can be found on Twitter at @joshuaadavidd.